I am so numb with emotion that I can barely sit down to write this. At 8:45 am I walked into the Oncology office dreading seeing my Doctor. I prepared myself for bad news based on how I have felt the past two weeks. I didn’t give up hope I just listened to my body. This is what the Doctor told me. The cancer is worse in my body especially my lungs. This explains the cough that I have developed. I asked if the cough would ever go away and he said no. So what I have dreaded has finally come true. I was told that I am Chemotherapy resistant. I have stopped responding to all types of Chemotherapy. These were my options today. Try one last drug that my Doctor said I have less than a 9% chance of responding to and pay 16 thousands dollars to be on or go home and live out the rest of my life and when things gets worse he will but me on morphine. HE SAID I WOULD HAVE 3 TO 8 MONTHS LEFT. I have not cried yet today for I am afraid if I start I will not be able to stop. I have so much I need to do with the kids the next three days If I melt down it will suck all my energy out of me and I am afraid of not being able to participate in my children’s classroom Halloween parties or field trips. WHO knows I could end up crying all night! I hate this! My options are both horrible. What would you do? Well today I have been on the phone with a few Doctors. Hopefully I will be able to go down to LA next week. I am leaning on going down to Mexico. I will be gone for 28 days. I don’t want to be gone during Christmas. I don’t know what I will do. I feel sorry for Dan right now- right when his basketball season is starting I’m throwing a big wrench in things. What do I tell the boys? I was a maniac today. I went shopping and spent two hours in build a bear making stuffed animals for my boys and then came home put some pumpkins out and then started cleaning the garage. Afraid to stop for a minute to let my day sink in. So confused, sad, discouraged, disappointed and overwhelmed. I have so many feeling going through my head. I need to get my affairs in order, finish my projects and start a few, spend quality time with everyone and start cleaning up all of my personal things so my family won’t have to do it. I want to just hold on to my boys and never let go of them. My heart aches for them. It is going to take a lot of strength not to go climb in bed and put my face straight down in my mattress and feel sorry for myself. I am thankful I am helping in Preston’s Kindergarten class with his Halloween party tomorrow and tomorrow night from 6:00PM to 9:00AM I will be at California Oncology for the Art of Life.
Wednesday, October 29 from 6:00PM to 9:00PM. California Oncology is putting on the Art of life Exhibition and Reception. 12 local artists with 80 women cancer survivors to co-create 13 works of art during National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It’s open to the public, free of charge. Come enjoy refreshments, entertainment, and more. It should be a lot of fun! For some crazy reason my whole group never showed up and I was able to do the whole piece of art by myself. It’s all about my journey as a young mother with small children who has cancer. It’s very personal and I’m excited about completing this special memory. California Oncology is located between Herndon and Bullard off of Fresno street. The address is 6121 N. Thesta, suite 205. (I will take pictures and post them this week) Tonight the story was on KSEE 24. Here is the link to it, if you have problems it can be found on www.ksee24.com -- under Art of Life Exibition -- click on watch the story: http://www.ksee24.com/news/local/33469949.html?video=pop&t=a
Everyone has been wonderful but I know I will need my friends and family around me more than ever. As my nightmare becomes a reality. I am not giving up I just don’t know how to let go, say goodbye. I will never say Good Bye! The reality of being my last Christmas just makes me shutter. I love the holiday season. The feeling of Love and giving is what I like about it. So I have asked Dan to help me set up A Christmas tree in all of the major living areas and I will be starting this project Saturday night. I told Dan I am making my own rules right about now. Please keep praying for I know God can still come through in the 9th hour. I would like to try and see everyone in the next few months. You guys are amazing and I truly appreciate your support. Love, Shawna